One of my tasks before the beginning of April is to come up with my Hebrew name. Names are very powerful — so this is a big deal to me.  We looked up Meredith in the big book of Hebrew names and the resulting possibilities all mean things like bitter sorrow or rebellious one.  Meredith in Welsh means Lord of the Sea.  

I finally settled on Maya Penina.  The name Maya really called out to me — I have always loved the sea and need to get to the beach once a year to rejuvenate. Penina is to honor a dear friend who passed away when I was pregnant with my daughter Suzanne.  Trish wasn’t Jewish — but she was the world’s premiere Yenta — she set my sister up with her husband and I met mine at one of her famous parties.   She was a natural connector and used to be the hub of the Salt Lake non-Mormon social scene.  I’m glad that I can honor her this way.

met with the Rabbi today to discuss my 16 page manfesto… He liked it — complimented me on my writing skills (well, I do write for a living… sort of…).  He had a few questions and comments and then basically said — we’re done — when do you want to do the mikveh… The date is set for April 18th — with the public ceremony on the 19th. This works out well because we had invited everyone in town for Passover anyway and becase it was last year that I really got motivated to do whatever I needed to do to finish converting (I started the process in 2004- but never found the right combination of a temple my husband liked and a Rabbi I liked — and we also moved cross country…)

Specifically, last year at Passover.  Our daughter was 3 — and for the first time the seder wasn’t so much about racing through the haggadah to get to the gefilte fish — but more about tell S the story.  It hit me at that time that Jame and I were telling Suzanne her story like Jame had learned from his parents and they from theirs going back thousands of years.  I really wanted to be a part of that.  Little did I know, that I would complete my conversion in time so that this Passover,  I will be telling my daughter our story …. very cool…

It occurred to me this morning that converting is a little like being pregnant (except that when you are pregnant — you pretty much know (at least within a month or two) when the baby is going to come.   Having a baby and converting are both huge, life altering, and unreversable experiences that involve a lot of time working toward a goal that is really  only the beginning of the change. 

I remember when I was pregnant with Suzanne, toward the end, I couldn’t wait for her to be born.  I wanted my body back, I wanted to sleep (little did I know…),  I wanted to drink coffee and maybe have a margarita…  Of course, her birth changed everything and was just the beginning of a long journey with her that will last the rest of my life.

I’m now getting closer to converitng — still don’t know when — but I have a feeling it could be soon (or at least before my 40th birthday in June… )I’m all of a sudden a little antsy — but realize that this is just the gateway to a lifetime of learning and growing.  I also realize that I’m probably going to go back and read my essays and roll my eyes and about how much they show a beginners perspective.  But, that’s a good thing — it means I will have grown…

Yesterday, I wrote about the big butterflies that decended on me without warning during my conversion essay writing.  I think I’ve figured out where they are coming from (nothing like a restful Shabbat to help you figure things out).  Somehow, while writing the essay, my conversion has moved from a HEAD thing to a HEART thing.  So far, this journey has been mostly about reading and learning (HEAD things) and somewhat about doing (doing Shabbat, going to Services…(HAND things).  As I was writing my essay, I think part of me woke up and realized that this is a HEART thing more than anything. I’m converting because I’ve fallen in love with Judaism, the Jewish people (in general), and some Jewish people in particular.  Hence, the butterflies…..

I think that  my confusion stems from a tension within Judaism itself between Head (being a nation and a civilization) and Heart (the religious part of it).

Knowing why I have butterflies isn’t helping to cure them… but at least now they seem normal and right to me.

OK — I got a little obsessed with the essay.  It just all came out — in a 24 hour period — I managed to write 15 single spaced pages of text. I’m thinking that these things usually take weeks, months, of introspection…  I did have the option of a mutli-media presentation — but thought that might be hard to discuss. My next appointment isn’t until Friday — so maybe I’ll be moved to do an addendum video… The actual document ended up being 16 pages which I consider to be a good omen — 16 is my favorite number (my birthday is 6/16 — so maybe that’s why. ) Apparently, while I was writing, I had a HUGE grin on my face — I didn’t even realize it until my husband came home and wanted to know what on earth I was so happy about.

Anyway, ever since then, I have had a case of the happy butterflies — definately a good feeling — not cold feet.  But, I’m having trouble focusing on work (even my Temple volunteer work– which needs some attention today…)  And…. I know that depending on what the Rabbi thinks about what I actually wrote — which was really what is in my heart rather than what I think I wants to hear — my official conversion could still be far in the future (OK, 90% of the essay is probably fine — I do have a little tiny bit of New Agey beliefs that have rubbed off on my from some of my virtual assistance clients.. that might seem a little  airy…)

But, the butterfiles and the distraction is coming as a bit of a surprise to me.  I made my mind up when my daughter was born that we would raise her as a Jew — and that in order to do that we had to be part of a Jewish community.  I figured that lacking a religion of my own but being a believer in God that I would probably end of converting …  I’ve been studying on off for 4 years seriously mulling over the option for the past 10.  My daughter goes to a Jewish preschool and we’ve been living a more or less Jewish life.  I imagined that finishing my coversion would be just a matter of dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s.   So, why am I so giddy?  Why am I so distracted with thinking about the mikveh, the conversion ceremony — getting to hold the Torah for the frst time?  I guess I’m just realizing how big and how right this all is. 

Had my meeting with the Rabbi today.  Our house was crazy this morning — J had a job interview and I was trying to get to a satorial level slightly above my work at home uniform of a T-shirt and sweats for my meeting with the Rabbi. S ended up in the slightly mismatched outfit this morning…

I dropped S and her friend M off at 9 and then had an hour to kill — I  took  snapshots of bulletin boards for the communications committee that I’m heading…

The meeting went well — I don’t know why I get so nervous… it looks like I’m in the home stretch toward officially converting.  I’m excited.  The next step is to write 9 essays answering various questions.  The first question is about people, books, experiences, that led me here…  I started by trying to put together a complete inventory (with summaries) of my Jewish bookshelf — but decided that instead I would hit upon the highlights.  I also quickly realized that the first essay question will definately be the longest (poor rabbi…)

Pending acutal board approval (but, from what I hear, the bar for membership is not *that* high), we are now members of the local Reform Temple where S attends preschool.  I was asked to chair the communications task force and figured that I had better actually be a member of the temple to do that.  Actually, it was a funny thing. J (my hubby) thought we had joined last year and I was waiting for him to bring it up.

I am glad that we can actually contribute a little financially — because I believe that the more you give — the more you get and my awesome congregation is a great cause to support!

Last night’s class was about denominational differences in Judaism.  I think that the Rabbi was right when he said that we are moving beyond denominational Judaism.  Maybe he’s right…   Since we’ve been married, we’ve h to two reform, a reconstructionist and a conservative synagogue.  In Virginia, the Reconstructionist shul was the best fit — it was small, and the people were very warm and welcoming.  People were nice enough at the other two shuls but that particular one was the best fit for us.

In Albuquerque, we go to a Reform Temple.  My daughter goes to pre-school there so we are connected into the community.  Nice atmosphere.  We are happy there.

So…yes, from the liberal end of the spectrum — everyone is getting along nicely.

I suppose that the issue that is the thorn in the side of post-denominational Judaism is patrilenial descent and conversion.  It becomes really tricky to know *who* is Jewish if not everyone has the same definition.  Even when Suzanne and I step out of the mikveh, I know that not everyone is going to recognize us as Jews.  Fine with me.  I am happy in my community.  My only worry is if my daughter marries someone more observant….

Last week we studied private Jewish home traditions in class.  I literally wrote 25 questions fo the Rabbi in the margins of my notebook.  Many were along the lines of "what does one do with the Shabbat candles when you go to services on Friday night?  My hands were poised over my computer keyboard about ready to fire off with all the questions when suddenly I realized that the answers were not really important.

I can figure it out by myself — and that is part of the fun of it all.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about home as a sacred space — both from the perspective of what goes on in my home and how well it is arranged.  I recently (inspired by one of my clients who is the host of Fun Shui on HGTV) redid my bedroom.  I’m used to having my room be a mess.. now I’ve cleaned it out and reclaimed the space.  Jame and I seem to be getting along better since I’ve done it.  The room is more peaceful. 

I’m now working on the rest of my house to see what I can do to make it more of a spiritual home for my family.

Any thoughts?

Well, my complete ban on computers on Shabbat disintegrated completely for a while — now I am taking a middle road of computers but no work. That it harder than it sounds and I’m not always successful.  But, I’m trying to get there :)  I also try to get all the house stuff done during the week so we don’t spend our Shabbat cleaning house. 

The time that it really special and sacred is Shabbat dinner on Friday nights.  We started lighting candles last year.  This fall, I added having challah and grape juice,  We still eat together most nights — but it is still wonderful to have a nice family dinner once a week.  I try to make something special and put flowers on the table. 

Last night, Suzanne said the motzi herself — pretty cool.

I would love to get to the point where we go to services and spend the day "resting" and being together.  I also know that will get harder as Suzanne gets older rather than easier.  Still, I know that we would really benefit if we could progress more on the Shabbat front.