Don’t expect anything… the Rabbi said.

He either knew me all too well or not at all…  My mikveh was this past Friday and the official conversion ceremony on Saturday and I was full of expectations. I’m always full of expectations — I live about 2 weeks ahead of myself all the time.  And… of course I spent the last few weeks rehearsing in my mind  and imaginging what it would all be like…

 I think I"ve read every single mikveh essay on the Internet… and I knew that it would be an incredible experiece… but I was still having a tough time getting over the "strangeness" of it all — the thought of skinny dipping in a pool that doubles as a spa hot tub in front of the some people I knew and some people I didn’t was a little unsettling.  I think I had the jitters for at least 3 weeks before…  the only thing that made it any better was that my ceremony was passover weekend and I was having a houseful of guests and 12 for seder, and then there was the matter of finding a terry cloth bathrobe in April… the day before the event it was 35 degrees outside at 8 in the morning — so I also was a little afraid of being cold, cold, cold…

The day finally came.. Jame, my mom (who came from Utah), my friend (from Chicago), Jame’s Mom (who came in from CA) and I all piled into the car and drove down to the Spa/Mikveh.  Of course, we got there *way* early — mostly because I know my family runs late and I didn’t want to miss my own event.   Finally the Rabbi and Cantor arrived — and it was time…  I took a shower, combed out my hair and went out to the mikveh (which was a private hot tub in a small patio — very beautiful with wisteria overhead and tulips).

I must admit I did feel huge jitters and butterflies and just a little bit of awkwardness standing there in my  fluffy pink bathrobe in front of a small crowd of observers.  But the Rabbi and the Cantor exuded warmth and calm… I poured some rainwater into the spa (rainwater is precious, precious in Albuquerque).  I read Ruth’s "where you go I go" , took off the robe and very quickly into the calm warm spa I went.

The water embraced me.  The whole time I was sort of treading water — the pool was only about 3 feet deep but the water felt so nice I just wanted to float.  I closed my eyes and felt the sun on my eyelids. 

The first dip was for the past… I thought about my grandmother, my cousins, my teachers and my friends,  I said the blessing for tevilah (which I had memorized — but was so enchanted by the warm water that it flew out of my head completely and I was glad that the Rabbi could "spoon feed" it to me).. and then the first dip.  I swam to the bottom of the hot tub and tried to get into a ball … it was nice down under the water… so comfortable.  But, I’m not a fish — so back up I went. 

The second dip was for the present.  The rabbi had me concentrate on the state of being in the moment… and I actually managed to do that feeling the warm water around me and the warm sun on my face. I sang the Shema with the Cantor and down for a second time I went.

The third dip was for the future.  I thought of my future as I wish it to be full of friends, family and love. I said the Shekianu and dipped for the last time.  I was a little sad to leave the water it was so nice… but I figured that everyone didn’t want to wait the three hours I could have soaked in the tub (it isn’t a total coincidence that my Hebrew name is Maya…).  I managed to get out of the tub, and we all gathered for a blessing.  It was a nice ceremony — but at the time I was a little too caught up in events to really feel anything special.

But, about 20 minutes later, in the car on the way home,  I felt a incredible sense of peace and quiet.  It was as if some of the still, still waters of the mikveh found their way into my soul.